


Do you Understand ?

by Fuzzy_Mat



Series: DYU verse [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Ableism, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) Has ADHD, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) Whump, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) is Bad at Feelings, Connor has trauma responses he just ignores, Dissociation, Gen, Hank is Connor's dad even if they won't admit it, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Okay okay I know North is terrible in this but I swear I love her, POV Connor (Detroit: Become Human), RK900 goes by Nines, Self-Worth Issues, Touch-Starved Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, connor has trauma oop, not explicit but similar to what connor experiences, vent fic turned into a monster of a multichaptered nightmare
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-24 10:00:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30070524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuzzy_Mat/pseuds/Fuzzy_Mat
Summary: Connor knows he isn't the most... knowledgeable... about emotions but that didn't mean he didn't understand them ever. If they weren't going to take him seriously then he wasn't even going to try interacting with them anymore. What could possibly go wrong ?
Relationships: Hank Anderson & Connor, Upgraded Connor | RK900 & RK800 "Connor" Android(s) (Detroit: Become Human)
Series: DYU verse [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2212437
Comments: 21
Kudos: 39





	1. Die Hard 7

**Author's Note:**

> I am posting this simultaneously with my tumblr rather than it being a straight up reupload so no usual just copy of my notes. The html work should be the same unless I miss something.
> 
> I have no clue how this got so out of hand... This is my first multichaptered fic, I've never done this before so please have mercy. (Do let me know what you think though)
> 
> You can also read the first part for headcanon background info (not vital just extra and I kinda suggest reading it later for more insight)

Connor knew he had trouble expressing and understanding his emotions. It wasn't a secret. He'd often find people looking at him with confusion, and sometimes wariness, with his lack of response to many things. He was a prototype. Sure he had one of the most advanced social relations software to date, but Cyberlife cut corners with the amount of articulation his face could produce, his current model wasn't meant to live long and to be disposable after all.

It doesn't help that he also just didn't know how to express what he was feeling in the limited ways he could. He "lived" most of his trial runs and current time in severe denial out of fear of deactivation so he'd rather ignore them than process them. It wasn't healthy but it was safe. Familiar.

That didn't mean he couldn't feel. He felt lots of things like guilt, hatred, fear, the occasional spark of joy. Too many things sometimes, in fact, that led him to having a nasty habit of adamantly ignoring it all, manually storing it away for later to keep his composer and stay in fully functioning order. Sure this led to people often ignoring his own desires and doing things that severely hurt him with no mention from him. But he was fine. He chose this after all. 

However, even with all the quarantining and ignoring, he couldn't help the anger that bubbled under his skin and in his throat right now. 

"Hank, I understand that you're angry but-" 

"You think you understand? You don't understand a shit, Connor! How could you?! I get you're your own person and everything now, but I never see you express anything beyond mild displeasure!" Hank yelled back. Connor was glad they were at Hank's house at least to provide some sense of privacy but saying he felt unhappiness at being yelled at was an understatement. 

Connor went to open his mouth in defense but Hank cut him off, "Of course you don't understand! How could you ever understand any emotions! You keep acting like a-" he suddenly went quiet, but Connor knew. 

"Like a _what,_ Lieutenant?" He asked, making sure to keep his LED a yellow slow turn, but he couldn't help how sharp his voice came out, how his eyes hardened to a fine point. 

They stared at each other for several tense seconds before Hank seemed to deflate a bit and looked ashamed. 

"Like a machine," he spat out, still tense and upset but his fury gone. 

Connor simply nodded, quarantining what he could to not lash out and stood up silently. 

"I will be taking Sumo out for a walk to allow for us to take a breather before we both do something we regret. I will return," he said, shoulders tense and voice strict. His movements felt stiff as he tried to hold himself back from continuing this fight, grabbing the leash and patting his side to call over the old dog. 

"You can't just run away-" Hank tried, stepping closer as if to grab Connor's arm to stop him. But Connor's ice cold glare, almost threatening posture and clenched fists seemed to stop him. They kept forgetting that Connor wasn't just meant for integration but also intimidation, he once was a deviant ( ~~killer~~ ) hunter after all, and he can be intimidating when he so pleased. Hank seemed to suddenly remember the rumors of Gavin getting his ass handed to him by Connor in under a minute flat by how he backed away uncertain.

Connor left and came back a bit over half an hour later. Hank would apologize and Connor would accept it, even if that anger still simmered deep inside, and they'd go back to joking and discussing work matters like nothing happened. Friends sometimes fight after all. It was fine.

Despite how much Connor hated those accusations of him being incapable of understanding, they. Kept. Happening. 

Not just with Hank but others as well. The people who he thought were his friends, the Jericrew, even Nines the RK900, kept pulling the same shit. Connor knew they all experienced deviancy differently than him, Nines also had the gift of a face with full articulation that he couldn't help but envy, but it irked him every time. 

"Let's switch topics for Connor..."

"Oh I should have talked about this with someone else..."

"It was rude of me to assume you understand-" 

"Oh.. Sorry I know you don't understand-"

"You know he doesn't understand-"

"He won't understand-"

"He can't understand-" 

Each time he heard that word, _understand_ , Connor felt that broiling anger rise just a bit more. Each time they never even asked how he felt before the assumption, he felt his trust disintegrate bit by bit. He was a master of masking his emotions to get the emotional responses he wanted, but even he had a limit when anytime he saw his friends he felt nothing but hateful bitterness below his false pleasantries. He even stopped willfully hanging out with all of them, even Hank, as it grew harder to fight down the urge to scream and yell and make them _understand_. 

It all came to a head during a meeting with the Jericho leaders, Nines tagged along as well as he said how much he missed seeing him outside of work. They were discussing how to handle the androids that still had severely negative responses to humans after all this time since the revolution. He was in the middle of talking about a solution of creating areas in New Jericho that would absolutely not allow humans and could run independently when North rounded on him.

"I'm sorry," in a very much not sorry tone, "but how am I supposed to take your option any bit seriously when you don't understand any of these androids' struggles mister 'my best friend is a human'."

"North-" Markus warned. The others even tensed up staring at Connor.

"No seriously. He could _never_ understand their struggles," North plowed forward with no hesitation. 

Connor felt something snap inside of him. He felt his LED burn bright red, his back straighten, fists clenched, and his features shift into that bitter anger that he tried his best to keep under wraps. He could see how everyone grew more than just tense but wary even; he even saw a flash of fear in North's eyes. 

They insisted he was nothing more than a machine who didn't understand. That he'll forever be Cyberlife's pet ( ~~killer~~ ) deviant hunter. So he'll show them the hunter that was conditioned, threatened, who thrived on his own anger and fear through every grueling training session. The side that he kept pushed down as much as he could. 

He couldn't help the bitter laugh that came out of him, "understand... You know what? I'm starting to think I fucking hate that word." 

He knew he was scaring them with how North backed away quickly and the others started coming forward as if to protect her from him. His anger worsened at that but a small part of him felt a bit of twisted satisfaction at how they're finally treating him seriously. He could even imagine Amanda whispering praises for being the threat _they_ wanted from the back of his CPU. 

"Has it never occurred to you that I might have problems with humans as well?" His hands expressed where his face couldn't, trying to contain the energy thrumming in his body, "has it never occurred to you what I might have gone through hm? 

“Oh wait. You never asked. You only accused. Have you ever thought about how my serial number has a 54 at the end of it? Did it ever occur to you that I have to exist with the memory of 53 deactivations constantly and the fear that I might be the 54th for merely breathing wrong? Who do you think did that? Who do you think reminded me day in and out that I was nothing but an expendable machine made to kill, to never ask questions because it meant deactivation or my internals torn out while I was awake. Humans. Humans did that but no, just because I trusted Hank not to do the same, I don't _understand?_ " 

He knew he was slowly growing erratic and unstable with how aggressively his hands moved and the way everyone backed away from him. The way he loomed over them with his presence didn't help their nerves he was sure. Or how he slowly stalked towards them as if a predator was cornering its prey. But he couldn't help it, the thrumming pulse in his core needed to come out and by hell was it coming out now. 

"Not only that, but I apparently don't understand emotions too! I may be a deviant but emotions? They're off the table!" He couldn't help the second bitter laugh, a tinge hysterical, "no no. None of you took the time to ask me how I was handling these emotions and instead just assumed I didn't feel them! Because I'm ‘just a machine’. This guilt, fear, and self hatred I feel every waking moment? Lies because I'm just a machine. Even this anger I'm expressing right now? These are lies too aren't they? The nightmares I get of my countless deactivations and the numerous deaths that stain my hands? All just my programs malfunctioning because I'm just. A. Machine." 

"We didn't... Connor we didn't know-" Nines started, his sadness and fear clear as day on his face like how they wanted Connor's to be. The others were solemnly nodding along too as if this would appease him. 

"Because you never. Asked. Because none of you ever truly fucking **cared**!" Connor roared in response, slamming a fist down on the metal table next to him. All their eyes snapped and starred at the large dent he knew he left behind but he didn't care. He let himself breathe heavily, taking a second to find himself and his self restraint again. 

And just like that, he locked up those pesky emotions like everyone expected him to. He knew the people before him didn't actually desire him to show any negative emotions just like them, they proved it just now with how they're looking at him. He took one final deep breath, fixed his tie and let his face slip back into its emotionless mask except the cold, closed off glare didn't leave. He even felt that that was going to be a permanent feature now after today and couldn't help the internal chuckle at the irony how he finally was showing the emotions they desperately wanted him to show.

No one said anything as he moved towards the door. There was still tension in the air, fear, anger and confusion swirled in various manners of their eyes. Nines seemed split on treating him like a threat and reaching out to him, maybe even to pity him. Markus also looked like he wanted to say something, but he just looked away in the end. North had fearful eyes but a look that seemed to say 'I was right we couldn't trust him'. Josh held Simon behind him, and he looked almost sad if his distrust didn't say otherwise. Simon refused to take his eyes off the clear fist shaped dent in the table, still as a statue. Connor vaguely wondered if they'd replace that table because of him just like how they so easily replaced him with Nines when given the chance.

No one made a move to stop him from leaving. He couldn't tell if it was out of fear of him showing those ( ~~killer~~ ) hunter colors again by snapping an arm or if they're realizing just how badly they fucked up. He couldn't tell which choice he wanted more either. He hoped it was the latter.

"You're all hypocrites. To me, you're all no better than _them_ ," was the last thing he hissed out before slamming the door closed behind him. He heard the way the frame and wall around the door shook and cracked from the force but again, he didn't care. He wasn't going to play nice anymore if this was how they felt like treating him. He was programmed to be amiable, calm but he was also programmed to be obedient and he knew how that went. A bit of anxiety existed of how much damage he did and how easily he almost lost control back there, but he just ignored it again as he rushed down the hall to leave. 

No one followed him.


	2. Connor "This is a good idea" Stern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's the best way to cope with having blown up on your only friends ? Ignore them and self isolate of course !

While making his ( ~~escape~~ ) way out, Connor noticed how the androids scrambled out of his path as if he'd bulldoze them over. He wasn’t the most liked android around, but he had been slowly gaining some trust after the countless acts he did in their kind’s name. However, he didn’t doubt he was quite the sight right now: LED blaring red, hands clenched in tight fists, legs moving in a quick stiff pace. A quick glance in a passing window confirmed that cold, hateful gaze was still there as well. He felt a bit bad that these innocent androids were indirectly facing his wrath, but he could barely contain the bubbling anger in his core. He just needed to get away from the others as fast as possible. 

He quickly hid himself in the automated taxi waiting outside for him. He is hiding even if he refuses to admit it because as soon as those doors closed, he felt that vengeful wrath suddenly drain out of him. He quickly curled up in the corner of the back seat and just held himself there for a few seconds. He felt so empty all of the sudden. Underneath all of that anger and hatred was this feeling of loneliness or sadness or whatever the hell he was feeling that seemed to be so overwhelming and as if it would engulf him whole any moment now. He felt hollow, maybe even fragile... ? No no not fragile, but something almost like that. He wondered if he’d cry if Cyberlife had gifted him tear ducts, but he knew even then no tears would fall. He never felt like much of a crier if given the chance if he was honest. Even with this new found feeling weighing him down, he reached for the control panel to order himself off to Hank’s address. 

He had started staying with Hank since that fateful morning at the Chicken Feed almost a year ago. It wasn’t like he had many places to stay given everything that happened and a warm couch was better than nothing. He didn’t feel like Hank liked him staying there as much as he tried to play it off and saying he enjoyed the company. He had been living by himself with Sumo for the past 3 years, Connor butting into his routines was most likely more hassle than it was worth. 

With a start, Connor realized that Hank would instantly know something was wrong given how he couldn’t seem to put himself together right now and the old man still had keen eyes. Connor did not want to deal with Hank right now. He knew his anger would flare right back up from all the times Hank did the same thing as his “friends”, and he desperately did _not_ want to talk about how he just blew up on said “friends” in the middle of a meeting. In fact, he didn’t want to see anyone right now and it wasn’t like he had much privacy back at the house with no room to hide behind. 

Taking a deep breath, Connor was going to do something irrational and idiotic. Well.. is it still irrational if he knew how stupid of a decision this was? Well that doesn’t matter. He preconstructed that he would have a higher chance of avoiding everyone with his plan than by trying to return home like this and it would provide long term avoidance easily. With another hand placement, he set the car to change destinations to a park that no one would assume he would go to nor find him if they went searching. He needed some time to think his long term plan through before he set it all in motion and he needed Hank to not know what he was doing.

-

Catching a glimpse of his eyes in the window’s reflection confirmed that it seemed that gaze was here to stay until further notice. It reminded him of Amanda’s own frigid eyes that night all those months ago.. He ignored that thought. He got out of the taxi and found the nearest bench to plop himself down on. The air was already cold and the trees were hanging onto their remaining colorful leaves, but he wouldn’t be staying long enough for the cold to become an issue. 

Closing his eyes, he began searching for apartments that were near the DPD and not too far from New Jericho. Even if this whole mess was his fault arguably, he wasn’t just going to drop his responsibilities with both his jobs after a little tantrum. He was simply going to get an apartment. He could easily lock everyone out, hide away, refuse further company and not be forced to strain under the torrent of negative emotions he received from just looking at those who never took the time to _understand_ him. Plus he can’t just keep mooching off Hank for as long as the human lived, he wouldn’t doubt Hank would have kicked him out as soon as Androids’ wages were more stable and livable along with more defined ownership laws. Which funds for an apartment shouldn’t be hard to make up, he was Cyberlife’s best hacker too. Would he need furniture-

His internal phone system cut his thoughts off, Hank. With a deep breath, he prepared himself for whatever might greet him.

“Hello, Lieutenant.”

“Hey Connor, I know you were meeting with the Jerinerds or whatever, but it’s getting a bit late, and you still haven’t gotten home....” the lingering question ‘are you okay?’ was there Connor recognized. 

“Yes, I’m fine, Hank. I decided after the meeting to take a walk to clear my head. We talked about some heavy topics with immediate consequences today, and I’m still processing ways to handle the situations adequately to ensure everyone can benefit,” the lie slipped off easily. Lying wasn’t hard when everyone assumed he just didn’t give a shit majority of the time. It’s also easy when you’re simply using the half truth as a base. 

“Okay…” okay maybe Connor was being a bit petty by purposely talking in such an excessive manner but he was feeling petty. Sue him. “Anyways, do you need me to come pick you up..?”

“No, I’m perfectly fine Hank. I’ll simply order a taxi to take me home when I’m ready. Don’t feel like you need to wait on me either, I’m unsure how long it will take me to come to a conclusion. We have work tomorrow as well, and I’d prefer not dragging you out of bed like last time.”

“Hey! It was you who took that phrase literally not me, you damn militarized nanny bot!” 

“Either way, head to bed Hank. I will see you in the morning,” and with that Connor ended the call and took another breath. 

Okay, now here’s to hoping none of the Jericho leaders and/or Nines tries contacting Hank and tipping him off that something wasn’t right. He knew the leaders had Hank’s number in case of emergencies, but it’s not like they idly chat with the grumpy old man in their spare time. Nines was a bigger threat, but Connor was hoping Nines was feeling too guilty or something to think to ask Hank about it. A terrible thought really, but Connor was banking on this if he wanted to move out as quietly as possible. 

Sure he was being like a child in trying to hide the broken plate he smashed by hiding away from everyone and literally secretly moving to an apartment overnight. But again, Connor never admitted to being good at this whole having emotions thing. Yes he hated how everyone assumed he didn’t understand what they were going through, but that was different from him admitting he wasn’t sure how to handle his own mess of emotions. 

-

He waited until it was well into the night to attempt going home. He needed to be sure Hank was certainly asleep. It wasn’t arguably imperative to his own personally made mission, but he still didn’t want to talk about anything that happened today if he could. 

Sneaking into the house wasn’t hard. Hank gave him a copy of his key about a week after Connor abruptly claimed his couch so he didn’t have to rely on Hank letting him in or breaking more windows. He shuffled his feet inside and made sure the door made as little noise as possible before creeping to the couch. He could hear faint snoring in the other room and relaxed the smallest amount before laying down and getting comfortable (after slipping off his shoes of course). 

His plan was already in action. After some easy rerouting and other certainly not legal things, he procured the money and necessary documents for an apartment and already sent in the application and deposit to an apartment that didn’t seem the worst price and condition. He could be glad about one thing with most things being digital nowadays that made this endeavor far easier especially in never mentioning he was an android. He managed to talk to the landlord and set everything up over the phone, saying he was simply stuck at work and not able to swing by for a physical one on one, he’d sign any necessary documents tomorrow. He also set up that he would be going there tomorrow after work to pick up the keys and move in. He was also glad that the landlord was so desperate for tenants after the revolution wiped out most of her customers with the evacuation. Connor wasn’t sure of her stance on androids, but she was willing to turn the other cheek on a lot of things such as Connor hesitating to say his last name was Stern so he took what he could get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How long you givin till Hank figures out ?
> 
> Connor may be able to run 5000 processes at once but none of them are dedicated to emotions or good ideas okay
> 
> Connor being afraid to confront anyone whenever he thinks he does anything "bad": This is normal
> 
> ~~Also Hank does actually enjoy Connor being there, Connor is just used to the idea of people tolerating his existence and never being a "burden"~~


	3. Just act natural Con Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor makes his move to get away from everyone. This is most certainly a great plan I assure you (/s).

After a surprisingly decent enough handful of hours of standby, Connor woke up feeling relatively less empty and angry than before. He always woke up a good bit before Hank just to make sure he got up relatively on time and to walk Sumo. Thinking of Sumo made him realize he’ll miss the dog once he moved out this afternoon, but he quickly dismissed that thinking. He was doing this for the best. He got up and entered the bathroom to see if he could find one of his beanies in his personal clothes pile he kept in there to help hide his LED later. Walking past the mirror he took a glance and it really seemed his eyes and brows were stuck just forever looking pissed off. He’ll deal with that later… maybe. Moving back to his objective, he managed to find a grey beanie with black zig zags he swiped and went to try on. 

Connor didn’t mess with his appearance too much following the revolution. He switched his Cyberlife jacket, that he’s pretty sure Hank hid in the house ( ~~or burned~~ ), with a very similar dark grey blazer recently and a black knee length coat sometimes. He tended to keep wearing button ups (often white, sometimes black or even with a floral pattern) and even wore dark turtlenecks to spice things up with the usual tie, if needed, black jeans and Cyberlife shoes. He liked familiarity and he liked how he looked in what Cyberlife said he looked good in. 

The most drastic change was that he enjoyed changing his hair color quite often. Maybe it was a bit out of a desire to separate himself from Nines since they looked the exact same, height, appearance, build, everything except eyes (and material arguably). He kept getting annoyed by how often they kept getting confused for the other. It didn’t help that Nines ditched his own Cyberlife jacket minutes after deviating. You’d think with how.. Loud… Nine’s fashion tastes were, people would be able to differentiate them better yet it was a constant struggle so he turned to ‘fucking’ with his hair color.

He stared at himself for a few seconds before deciding that he was tired of the default brown again and switched it to the pure white color. He had more colors, most of which he got from messing with his own color coding or from androids who focused on making additional coding to allow more variety in android features, but today white felt fitting. He sort of wished he could change his eye color too, maybe he should ask Simon if anyone… He was getting side tracked again. Trying on the beanie and it seemed everything was good.

He still had plenty of time before Hank’s alarm would initially go off so he busied himself in finding a bag in the garage that let him pack his few possessions into. Really beyond the clothes, he only had a few trinkets like his coin, and a small plush manta ray he got from the aquarium once. He didn’t have a room so he didn’t really have the chance to collect anything. He also went ahead and changed his clothes into a dark blue turtleneck, usual jeans and the knee length coat since those would take up more space to pack. After packing, he hoisted the bag to his shoulder and called Sumo over for their usual walk. They walked to a nearby park where Connor stored his moving bag in the most effective hiding spot before walking back. If he suddenly walked much slower than usual on their way back, Sumo didn't comment about it.

Just as he was done taking care of Sumo and putting away the leash, he heard the tell tale sound of Hank’s alarm going off. He got a coffee mug down before heading towards the bedroom where angry grumbling could be heard. Knocking on the door with an ‘I’m up! I’m up, asshole’ in response satisfied him enough to return to the kitchen and grab himself a cup for a quick thirium top off. He could have packed it, but then he wouldn’t have any here in case of emergencies. He could just get some more from the DPD anyways or even New Jericho if he really needed it. 

He looked up from his cup as Hank shambled his way to the bathroom. Connor felt his lips give the little odd quirk that represented a smile according to Cyberlife but immediately lost it when it reminded him of yesterday. And he was doing so well keeping his mind off it. Oh well. 

After some time, Hank finally joined him in the kitchen, mostly dressed and mostly awake. Hank started wearing his hair in a ponytail lately given his refusal to cut his mop of hair, but needing to look more “professional” now that he wasn’t showing up to work hungover every day. 

“What color we going for today?” Hank asked, voice still gruff as he set about getting coffee and cereal. Connor tended to wear the beanie to surprise others on the color of the week especially if he was trying out a very notable color like the time he went neon pink. It had ulterior motives today, but Hank didn’t need to know that.

“Now now Hank. No peeking. You don’t get special privileges,” Connor teased, moving to wash his now empty cup. Connor knew his voice didn’t give insight to his internal turmoil, but it seemed Hank caught onto Connor’s new predicament with his “expressive” eyes. However, he didn’t say anything, only grunting in response and turning away. Connor wondered what the Lieutenant knew or what he picked up from him in those couple of moments. 

They only made some more small chatter and a quick Sumo petting before heading on out to the DPD. Connor felt a bit weird not telling Hank that he was moving out, but he didn’t want his friend to question his decisions or whatever he would worry he would do. He honestly wasn’t sure why he felt adamant in not telling him. It would honestly worry the old man more, if he just up and left, but something stopped him from saying anything. He felt like Hank also knew there was something he wasn’t saying, but he didn’t seem to push Connor to admit whatever thoughts were circling in this mess of a CPU he had for what humans would consider a brain. It didn’t matter much as before he knew it, they had arrived at work. 

Logically, Connor knew Nines would be here. He’s been working with the other android for a couple months now already. Usually he would speak to him before Hank actually felt like doing any work to pass the time. Therefore, he shouldn’t have been so shocked to see the RK900 sitting at his usual desk next to Gavin Reed. Yet here he was, lagging a couple seconds behind the Lieutenant just staring at Nines. Of course, nothing else showed on his face as per usual, but he didn’t doubt it was odd to see Connor suddenly switch to a slower walking pace as he seemed to glare daggers at his look alike. 

Nines immediately noticed his presence and smiled very awkwardly, unlike the usual friendly grin, while waving at him. Connor’s new found emote of “fuck you” seemed to make Nines very unsure in how to proceed given how much his eyes looked around as if trying to find a solution to the problem that is Connor’s existence. Before he could find something to do, Connor sped back up and beelined to his own desk. He quickly sat down and placed his hand on his terminal to effectively cut off any attempt to conversate. 

“Who pissed in your cheerios?” Hank commented from his side, scrolling through his phone. His head was being propped up by the hand of the elbow planted firmly on his desk, but his eyes stared watchfully at Connor.

“I can not eat, Lieutenant,” Connor helpfully reminded him. He was just trying to dodge any sort of questioning, but he couldn’t think of a proper work around while the anger that flared up earlier still clouded his circuits. 

“Just an expression. And you’re definitely more pissy than usual,” Hank said, his expression and voice seemingly bored and tired even if he still kept a close eye on Connor. Connor merely looked up at him and purposefully raised a single eyebrow to make the human elaborate. 

“First, Nines looks like a fucking kicked puppy right now and that’s not even mentioning how you skipped your morning talks with him,” a quick glance over and Connor could confirm Nines was looking everything like a “kicked puppy” as Hank said, “second, you haven’t even taken your beanie off and you usually do that first thing in because lets face it you’re a bit of an attention whore.” 

Connor blinked realizing he was right, he knew Hank was more teasing on that last part, but he couldn’t deny it. The guarded look slid back into place as Connor stared at Hank, waiting for him to say anything else. He wasn’t sure why, but he just had to make sure Hank wasn’t trying to trick him despite Connor revealing his different hair color multiple times before. This was silly he finally thought and just went ahead to tug the beanie off, quickly fixing his hair afterwards too.

Hank was also right that the officers who commented on his hair instantly filled him with that desire for praise he never could seem to muffle, left gaping when Amanda was effectively blocked from his systems. And of course, he preened a bit upon feeling a bit better refusing to acknowledge the knowing look in Hank’s eyes and forcing himself to focus on his work once more. 

-

Today wasn’t too busy of a day surprisingly. It was more reports that Connor could let himself absentmindedly work through as he was preoccupied by how he would decorate his apartment and what furniture he should get. They only had to leave once for a crime scene involving a dispute between a human and an android that led to a dead human and heavily injured android. There were always android and human murders him, Hank, Nines and a couple other officers constantly dealt with, but the rate seemed to be settling down to a more “normal” consistency. It angered Connor that it was still such a problem, but all he could do was help where he could on this end. The android consented to a look into their recorded memories to know what happened while they were whisked away for repairs. Pretty easy day all things considered. 

Either way, Connor didn’t even fully realize their shift was over, busy thinking of if he’d prefer blue or purple curtains, until Hank started getting up and stretching after turning off his computer. Connor found that after deviating he couldn’t quite keep his attention on what he wanted to anymore. It wasn’t that he couldn’t do it at all. He just found his mind tended to wander more easily, especially doing things that didn’t require much of his attention. He also abruptly remembered that he needed to go grab his moving bag and head to the apartment for the move in. So he set about shutting his work down as well. 

Nines perked up from his desk in hearing their shuffling; he even was about to start getting up from his desk it seemed. Connor quickly snatched his beanie and any other personal items he might need before practically booking it, without running, towards the entrance. He didn’t even glance behind him to see if Hank was following or if Nines was following either. Nines was the slightest bit faster than him so he could have caught up with only slight effort if he wanted so Connor was hoping he’d take a hint and leave him alone at least another day more. He didn’t stop his very enthusiastic speed walking until he was almost at Hanks’ car in which he remembered he couldn’t go home with Hank and sort of awkwardly leaned against the car to wait for Hank to catch up. Thankfully, it looked like Nines took the hint when all he saw was Hank almost speed walking towards him with a frown.

“Wanna explain why the fuck it seems you were running for the speed walking Olympics back there,” Hank immediately groaned out when he was close to the car. He was slightly out of breath.

“Nope,” was Connor’s reply. Simple and not sweet but sweet.

“Uh huh.. then do you want to talk about how it seemed this Olympic was being founded on avoiding Nines as much as inhumanly possible?” Hank asked next, crossing his arms and raising a judgmental bushy brow down on Connor. 

“I wasn’t avoiding him,” Connor’s eyes not looking at Hank and voice too defensive to be legit. Damn. It seems whatever happened yesterday in the taxi was still affecting him. How annoying.

“Yeah no. I’m not believing that for a second,” Hank seemed to be glaring at him harder. Connor didn’t feel pressured or stressed by it, but it was also annoying him that Hank wasn’t dropping this. 

“We had a fight yesterday, it’s no big deal,” Connor easily lied again looking Hank in the eye this time. Hank seemed to not be convinced, but Connor knew he didn’t know enough about whatever “fight” occurred to tell _how_ much Connor was lying. 

Hank’s shoulder slumped a bit as it seemed he was giving up the chase for now. “Fine. That’s fair. Sometimes, friends fight, I won’t push you on it, but do talk to Nines about whatever the hell happened so he stops looking so mopey.” 

Connor felt a flicker of jealousy again at the reaffirmation on how clearly Nines emoted compared to him. But he didn’t say anything, only nodding even if he had no plans to talk to Nines ( ~~or really anyone~~ ) if he didn’t have to. Connor is going to use this ignore method for as long as it works damn it. 

“So uh.. You getting into the car?...” Hank awkwardly commented as he made his way to the driver’s side. Oh. That other thing needs to be dealt with now. Right. Connor will miss driving to work with Hank… that’s besides the point. Hank wouldn’t care if he rode with him or not anyways since he saw Connor as a machine still.

“Oh. I’m actually going to be heading to New Jericho to further discuss what we talked about yesterday. I’ll be taking a taxi don’t worry,” Connor attempted to order his face to give a reassuring smile but Hank’s subtle cringe affirmed that it was not giving its intended effects and he immediately dropped it. 

“You sure you don’t want me to just drop you off? It’s not that big of a deal,” suspicion lingered in Hank’s eyes as he stared at Connor from inside the car. Hm. Not good if Hank was already catching that something was off. He really did not give the old geezer enough credit.

“It’s fine. The discussion involved what we should be doing about androids who react very negatively towards humans still. I’m not sure if allowing you to accompany me this time would be a good idea especially as I’m not sure how much information about that discussion has been passed around since then,” Connor began to wonder if lying was going to start becoming his life at this point with how much he’s done it in the past day alone. 

“Hmm.. fair point, alrighty. Stay safe out there, kid,” Hank backed off but Connor could still see the suspicion in his eyes. This will appease the Lieutenant for now but just for now. Connor will figure something out for a more permanent solution later. He was relying on the others not communicating between themselves too much.

After saying his goodbyes, Connor walked towards another automated taxi and got in. He set the path to the park he hid his bag in and placed the beanie back on his head to make sure his LED was hidden. It didn’t take long to retrieve it from the dense bushes, glad that the park didn’t get many people at this hour from how suspicious that looked, and immediately reentered the taxi. ~~He did chuckle a bit at how funny it would have been if he had gotten arrested then but shook it off~~. A few more minutes and he stood in front of his new “home”. It wasn’t the worst, a bit worse for wear, definitely hasn’t been cleaned since the 80s he’d take a guess. Most of the apartments appeared to be empty which was good. Connor didn’t want to befriend any neighbors. They’d just get fed up with him anyways like the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How many times can I say the word Cyberlife before the company shows up in my bathroom like Bloody Mary ?
> 
> This is more a transitional chapter, but we again see some insight on Connor's thinking process and insecurities. He really diggin himself a hole here and sittin in it ain't he. 
> 
> And before you ask, his manta ray plush is one of those plushies with an image print on it, but with like those teddy bear eyes placed on. Very soft too.


	4. Connor's no good, very bad day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay maybe not telling anyone anything wasn’t such as a good idea... Especially ~~your dad~~ the guy who’s job is to investigate things...

The signing process didn’t last long. The landlord was fairly straight to the point, and she couldn’t know that he had already finished reading the pages set in front of him before her explaining what the rules were and what needed to be signed. She didn’t seem to comment on Connor’s lack of emotional responses to things or how his face appeared to be stuck in perpetual angry limbo. In fact, she seemed to be more _understanding_ than any of his “friends” were and not taking offense when his attention wandered elsewhere when she droned a bit about policies he already knew. She even smiled at him at one point and it was weird to Connor how he just realized how rarely anyone smiled (most from Nines) so genuinely at him without hidden intentions. 

Afterwards, he retrieved the keys from her and hiked up the singular bag to head upstairs to the 4th floor for his room. He caught a sadness and sympathy in her eyes that he really wasn’t sure where it was coming from. Was she humanizing him? Makes sense with this beanie hiding his LED, but he still couldn’t decipher what she was assuming about him. He pushed it from his mind as he unlocked the door and walked in, locking it behind. 

He wasn’t sure what he expected. It was very barren, desolate with all the lights shut off like this. The sun was already starting to set and began casting long shadows inside. He didn’t mind since he could just see in the dark, but it felt lonely like this. He turned on the main living room light at the least since the apartment was open planned with only a small island wall separating the kitchen. Two doors on the far end were assumed to be the bedroom and bathroom. On the right were fairly large windows to let light in in the morning and there was even a slim door that led out to a small patio with railing of sorts that might be able to house a plant or two at most. There were even two storage closets near the door and near the kitchen, that one actually contained a washer and dryer duo unit now that he thinks about it. He knew he knew the actual layout of this place with no problem, but he just didn’t care. It didn’t matter much to him really. As an android, he really didn’t need much to work with, just his charging port that he packed with him if he was honest. Or at least he’d make sure that was all he needed.

Trying one of the further doors, he found the bathroom, bare minimum with tub, toilet, sink and small wall mirror. The bathroom was also connected to the room through their shared wall so he just used that door to go into the bedroom. It was big enough to hold maybe a standard bed and small dresser at most but again that didn’t bother him. The wall had one of those in built closets like Hank had and it somehow flares the pain that had settled low in his abdominal cavity and refused to leave. It didn’t matter because he was doing this to protect himself and make everything easier for everyone else. This was to make it far easier to separate himself from everyone. To hide. So he plopped his bag down and set about unpacking his very pathetic amount of items. Tomorrow he’ll deal with furniture truly; he’ll most likely just order it online and figure out pick up/delivery then too. 

He relaxed a bit against one of the walls when his internal phone started ringing again. Hank. Shit. 

“Hello, Lieutenant.”

“Hey, Connor.” Oh that didn’t sound good. He had that stern voice put on, like a dad about to lecture his kid.

“What can I offer you with this call,” Connor really wasn’t sure where to go with this.

“So I called Markus when I got home.”

“Mhm.” The alarm bells in Connor’s head went off. He knew relying so heavily on miscommunication would backfire. Idiot. 

“And asked him about that little meeting you supposedly had today to ask if it would be alright if I came by to pick you up so you weren’t going home alone. Since you told me about that little worry of yours earlier.”

“Yes.” Connor felt the panic start to rise inside him a bit, his voice kept leveled and his face calm, but internally? Freaking out.

“Where are you, Connor?” and there it was. He was fucked. Okay lying would be the stupid thing to do right now.

“I’m at New Jericho, I’m not sure what you’re asking?” Connor auto replied. He needs to do a diagnostic on that top notch Social Relation Protocol. 

“Oh really,” Hank’s voice turned low, “Don’t fucking lie to me right now unless you want to dig your grave deeper, Connor.”

Connor stayed silent worried his auto replies might do just that.

“Hmm well Markus also told me an interesting tidbit. Apparently yesterday you blew up on everyone and fucked off. Heavy topics and no big deal, my ass!” Connor could tell that Hank was getting riled up. 

“Where. Are. You. Connor,” Hank said with much more aggression after Connor continued to stay silent. 

Connor really didn’t know what to say. Hank was bound to find out he so unceremoniously moved out, he wasn’t sure why he was even hesitating right now to tell him that. 

“I noticed this morning that your clothes were missing from the bathroom, and I found it odd, but I just assumed you moved them. Yet when I got back home and actually started looking, I noticed that it seems all your stuff is gone! Even the fucking manta ray plushie is gone!” 

Connor really didn’t know why he thought Hank wouldn’t notice this quickly especially since he was already suspicious of Connor since this morning too. He took a deep breath to prepare himself for what was about to happen. 

“WHERE-”

“I’m in my apartment,” rushed out of Connor in one synthetic breath. 

Hank didn’t answer for a couple seconds. “Your apartment…”

“Yes.”

“When the fuck have you had an apartment? In fact, how do-”

“Just last night.” Connor focused on just trying to keep calm. He could do this. He was an interrogator. Just treat this as an interrogation. 

“Last night… and when did you think you’d tell me about this?! Did you think you could just book it with your shit, and I wouldn't _notice!_ ” Hank could be loud when he wanted to be. And honestly, Connor did think he wouldn’t care enough to notice for at least a day or two. It’s not like Connor owned that many items in the first place to notice gone as proven by the sad bag slumped next to him on the floor.

“I knew you would notice, but I was uncertain on how to approach the topic. I thought I would have more time to tell you, but I assumed wrong.” 

“Damn right you assumed wrong! How could you not understand-” 

Connor didn’t even register whatever was said next. He heard that accursed _word_ and felt himself shut down. The panic receded just as quickly as the tsunami of that same blistering anger from yesterday overwhelmed him in seconds. 

“Don’t say that word,” He didn’t even notice he murmured anything from the haze surrounding him until Hank went silent and asked a far quieter “what?” than his prior volume. 

“Don’t say that **fucking** word,” Connor stated far louder. He distantly felt how tense his whole body seemed to have become, fists trembling and he wouldn’t doubt his LED was burning bright red under the beanie he still had yet to remove. 

“I don’t understand. What word?” Hank asked, confusion clear in his voice. There also seemed to be a bit of concern that Connor’s system registered, but he ignored that as that was impossible.

Connor couldn’t handle it, the feelings inside were too much, and he didn’t want a repeat of yesterday. He could control himself. Cyberlife drilled into his head how he had to stay calm and in control at all times. He can’t fail this simple rule. 

So he simply shut everything down. He quickly quarantined everything. He immediately cut his call with Hank as it was his source of stress. He needed everything to shut down. To not think. Hank kept trying to call him back, to get some sort of answer, but it was too late. Connor disconnected from everything and felt himself float off. This was much nicer, just not aware of anything. That anger and panic was all gone. The guilt too. He was just existing, his body’s eyes stared unblinking, unmoving at the wall ahead. Sure it was dangerous how he wasn’t able to register anything nor had any clue where he was anymore, but it was quiet.

Eventually, he slowly returned to his body. Became aware of the twitching of his fingers, the gentle rise and fall of his chest, the sounds of cars passing outside below him. He blinked and came back into himself looking around and noticing it was far darker than before. Checking his internal clock showed that he lost 2 hours to whatever that was. He couldn’t help the annoyance he felt from apparently having another malfunction happening to him. The anger and emptiness from yesterday weren’t necessarily a malfunction, but he shouldn’t be able to lose control of himself like that ~~(thus he was malfunctioning)~~. He lost control of himself in a different manner here and still felt himself almost floating even now. Checking his notifications revealed countless number of missed calls from Hank, Nines, Mark, even North and numerous texts and internal messages, but he just ignored them again. He clearly needed to cut himself off from them all. They were causing him to glitch and fail like this by overwhelming him beyond his control. He can’t let that happen.

After some shuffling, he managed to set up his charging port, plugged himself in and set himself into stasis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Hank found out... Maybe yelling at the android who's currently self isolating out of fear wasn't the best idea though... 
> 
> Connor you might should be realizing that you maybe aren't doing too hot
> 
> ( ~~Also that landlord is only nice because I didn't want _everyone_ to be an ass to Connor~~)
> 
> -Sorry for the late update in chapter, I was scrambling with other work ha ha.


	5. You can only run so far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is doing just fine and dandy isolating from everyone thank you very much. Here’s proof. (/s)

Connor made the right choice. Everything became easier over the next couple of months when he didn’t have to worry about the others causing him to lose control like that again. He went to work at the DPD, ignored any attempts at small talk from everyone and focused on his work. He still changed his hair color all the time, but he didn’t receive the same comments about it, maybe they thought he didn’t want them given how he turned everyone’s conversations down. It made that hole inside him from Amanda grow exponentially larger, but that was fine. He didn’t need praise to work. Amanda would praise him for not dealing with trivial things like relationships...

He still went to the New Jericho meetings given he wasn’t going to just drop his role as a leader. He felt fine being so disconnected from the others, but the others kept a cautious eye on him. It spiked that anger inside him, but he started just quarantining everything so he wouldn’t drown in those emotions so suddenly again. They almost treated him as if he was this fragile thing with how much they tiptoed around him. Diverting conversations, side eyeing, still not asking how he felt. Annoying but he just ignored it, gave his report and ideas on whatever the topic was, and was always the first to leave before anyone could try to converse with him. He was getting quite good at disappearing before the others had the chance to do anything about it. If they tried contacting him through the internal network beyond business, he ignored them. They tried their best to avoid using that accursed word again around him. It satisfied a darker part of him to see them do everything they could to not use it. He shouldn’t be feeling any satisfaction, but it wasn’t like he was the most stable android out there clearly. 

They hadn’t replaced the table yet.

Nines and Hank weren’t like the Jericho leaders who ignored the problem that was Connor. He forgot how stubborn they could be. They tried their hardest to get him to even say hi to them. He wasn’t sure what their goal was, but they didn’t give up no matter how many times he didn’t reply or shut down a conversation. Couldn’t they see he was doing this for his own safety? How could he be safe when they caused such irrational behavior in him that made him feel unstable, unwanted, unloved. He shut down that train of thought again. He kept having them far more frequently lately. There wasn’t anything ( ~~anyone~~ ) to really keep his mind off the plaguing thoughts without who he once considered “friends”, just work and more work. So that’s what he did. He worked until someone got onto him. But then he just worked in secret from his apartment, hidden away. 

His apartment was coming along nicely at least. He felt much calmer and safer while there. He got cheap furniture that livened the place up even if he never had any visitors. No one bothered him here, not even the landlord since there were no complaints against him and he always paid on time. Sometimes they’ll talk casually in the hallway in passing, but Connor would always excuse himself not too long afterwards. 

He had bookshelves now that held both books and plants. He had a couch and coffee table. He even had a proper bed in his room and nightstand. It wasn’t much but it made him happy, he thinks. His small amount of trinkets, besides the coin that stays on him and manta ray plushie in the bedroom, were placed around the living room and kitchen. He had thirium in his fridge with no worries of not having enough. His plants were all succulents and cacti as he was afraid of anything beyond their low maintenance, but he made sure to greet and check on them every day. He was happy right now. Right? He wasn’t sure what happiness felt like, he rarely felt it prior to this self isolation to really know what to compare it to, but it had to be he assumed.

The loneliness was still there, it felt worse now actually, the way that emptiness lives inside him now with no regards to his biocomponents. He feels the way it scratches at his internals for.. Something he wasn’t sure what. He still sometimes lost control like he did when everything had become too much on that call with Hank, and he couldn’t figure out why he did that still either. He would be fine at home and then he’d suddenly realize that he lost himself again minutes to hours later. It didn’t happen often and only at his place so far so it wasn’t a big deal, maybe it was just his systems going idle, a glitch in the software. It was far more acceptable than when the anger made him lose control. That was dangerous, he could hurt someone ( ~~again~~ ). But just drifting off when by himself isn’t that bad. He’ll ignore it along with everything else. He is getting good at that too.

Of course, nothing could be as simple as that. He couldn’t just be content with his plants and work and his plush manta ray. It would be too kind for what he deserved. Because it finally didn’t stay something that just happened by himself. 

He’s not quite sure why it even happened. One moment he was mindlessly filling reports, another slow day, thinking about if he’d need to repot one of his succulents, ignoring the gnawing feeling of emptiness coming from inside him. Next thing he knew, he was slowly blinking and everything was different.

His seat had been turned around, Hank and Nines were kneeling in front of him saying words he didn’t quite understand. Nines was holding his hand… odd.. It felt nice… ignoring that. He guessed that either confusion or recognition showed on his face as next thing he knew, Hank was saying something different from what he could tell and they both looked almost relieved. Also weird.

Finally his audio processors started functioning, “-ey, you’re okay Connor. Can you hear me? Are you with us?” 

“What are you doing?” was all Connor could ask. He still felt sluggish, he always did after these moments, but he slowly felt himself come back to the present. The hand holding seemed to help as all he could focus on was the way it felt.

“You scared us there for a bit, kid,” Hank huffed, sliding a hand down his face. He looked tired, Connor just noticed, as if he hadn't been sleeping well for a while. Things were just getting weirder today.

“Why would I scare you?” Connor asked innocently glancing between the two of them before looking around. He noticed that the rest of the DPD, while not surrounding him, were much closer than before and all looked worried. When did they get there? How long had he been out?

“Do you really not know what happened?” Nines asked, his voice gentle and filled with worry. Connor couldn’t help how he felt himself relax from the kindness and concern in his eyes, how long had his shoulders been that tense? The jealousy still nipped at him, but he wouldn’t focus on that right now. 

Thinking about it, Connor began to realize what happened quickly. His internal clock had skipped 23 minutes and 36 seconds. This never happened at work. Why did it happen now? What did he do wrong? This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to be okay and functioning properly.

Suddenly Nines hand left his, he couldn’t help the almost weak way his own hand chased it, but then it landed on his cheek. Connor blinked and focused on Nines’ eyes who seemed to be waiting to get his full attention. ( ~~He refused to acknowledge how he leaned into the touch.~~ )

“Connor. Has this happened before?” Nines asked now in a quiet but serious tone. He still held his face gently but now Connor was more nervous than before. So Connor just didn’t answer. Something must have shown on his face with his nonexistent answer because Nines suddenly nodded as if he understood something, but that didn’t make any sense? When had Nines learned how to read his emotions and seemingly his internal thoughts so well? 

“Stay here. Hank, make sure he doesn’t go anywhere,” Nines said as he got up and walked away towards Fowler’s office who was also peering out at him. Connor went to stand but Hank’s heavy hand landed on his shoulder to keep him place. His head snapped to Hank, guard rising again and tried to intimidate the human into letting him go, but Hank merely stared back at him with stubbornness and continued holding him down. Connor knew he could just grab that invasive hand and crush it as easily as a grape. But his body seemed to lean into the touch instead and it didn’t make sense to him. Hank, again of course, noticed this and the inquisitive sheen to his eyes that he got while solving a case returned as his gaze buried deep into Connor. Connor kept his eyes as empty, guarded as possible even if the rest of his body rebelled against him. He _refused_ to let the human in. 

Nines soon returned after grabbing his horrid neon coat and quickly walked towards the pair. The other officers had started returning to their own stations seeing that there wasn’t a big issue even if they still glanced over inquisitively. 

“Hey, Connor. Let’s go,” Nines put his hand out again, Connor hated how Nines figured him out so fast, and smiled gently at him. Connor glanced between the two with eyes filled with untrust, but he slowly took the hand given to him and stood up. Hank’s hand slipped away as he also stood up with a low groan of pain and hand going to his back. The coldness that took over his shoulder made him want to quickly put that hand back, but he knew better. He didn’t need it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor in constant distress and loneliness: Is this Happiness ?
> 
> ~~Oh is that Nines taking the time to study how Connor reacts to things to read him better~~
> 
> Also is that the comfort of this hurt/comfort finally coming in I see ?


	6. Sometimes you gotta admit you're wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One apology down... a nice change of pace

Connor held Nines’ hand in a grip that was almost afraid that Nines would suddenly let go as if it were the worst thing in the world. Nines never mentioned this. The only thing Nines asked further was for Connor to lead them to his apartment, saying something about how he would like to have this talk with him where he felt safe. Connor didn’t mention that it would no longer be safe with Nines there. In fact, he went back to his self assigned silence. Nines didn’t seem to mind just rambling about what was on his mind as if he was happy to just be there with Connor gently swinging their hands. 

The only moment Connor interrupted was when they got closer to his apartment and tugged on Nines’ hand to have him stop. When he was met with a questioning tilt of Nines’ head, Connor grabbed his beanie from a pocket in his large coat and started putting it on single handedly. Nines misunderstood and tried to let go of Connor’s hand as if he was assuming Connor needed both, but Connor quickly tightened his grip so he wouldn’t leave him. He instead started tapping his finger against his temple where the LED now remained hidden under the dark blue fabric. Having figured it out, Nines maneuvered his way with one hand to take the hood of his jacket and pull it over to try and hide his face as much as possible. ( ~~Even though his blinding neon coat would make him the center of attention in seconds anyways~~ ). When Connor nodded in satisfaction did they begin moving again towards the building once more. 

They didn’t really run into anyone, thankfully, given it was just past midday, and Connor was returning to his apartment way earlier than usual. Connor was leading this time. He didn’t know why he wasn’t just refusing to take them any further or even why he said his address in the first place. He got the apartment specifically to ignore everyone with. It was supposed to be his hide away spot after all. Maybe he was still in that weird system space from earlier, but he felt pretty self aware right now, his processing running smoothly. Today was just weird and hasn’t made any sense. It wasn’t necessarily bad, but it most certainly is confusing him. 

A quick pocket digging and turning of a key and Connor was pulling Nines into his apartment, closing and locking the door behind out of habit. If Nines took note of the behavior, Connor ignored it as he refused to look at the android next to him since they got to the building. Nines went back to leading and brought them to the dinky IKEA couch, it was one of those weird L bracket types; it was also a nice dull bluish grey, most of the items he got were that color. He would have gotten plain blue but he felt it was too strong compared to the lavender curtains- Focus Connor. He blinked himself out of his thoughts and realized they were already sitting down and Nines was looking at him patiently, he already put his hood back down too. Oh yeah he had to explain whatever the hell happened back there he’s assuming. He removed his own beanie and started fidgeting with it while thinking of what to say and do. He kept his gaze to the side away from emotional blue eyes. It seemed Nines was taking the time to listen to what Connor was going through, but that didn’t mean Connor trusted him in any sense of the word. They still ignored and accused him of various things for months. 

“Please don’t lie to me, Connor,” was spoken to him so quietly. Sure, Connor was planning on lying, but he didn’t like it being noted before he even did it. Why was Nines even being so gentle with him, shouldn’t he be upset with him? Connor dented a table, almost broke a door, and aggressively ignored the other for the past 2 almost 3 months. Maybe Connor was being too defensive. Too guarded. It was showing because Nines smiled at him with a sad tilt to his lips.

“You were right, Con,” that definitely caught Connor’s attention, “We never took the time to ask you how you were feeling. We assumed you were doing just fine because we never tried to look deeper into how you expressed your own feelings.” 

Connor intently stared at him looking for any sense of a lie. He guessed there was one benefit to Nines being a far more open book than him.

“I should have known better. I knew that your model had trouble expressing in the first place. I also knew you didn’t like outwardly sharing your emotions and didn’t even try to learn how to interact with you. 

“I hurt you, Con. I hurt you in a way that I can never take back and I am deeply sorry for not having seen it sooner. But I can’t change what I… what _we_ did to you, so I want to make an effort now. I want to be there for you and take the time to… understand… who you are,” Nines hesitated on _that_ word, but it only made Connor tense up this time surprisingly enough. Maybe it was the way Nines looked so genuinely sorry while talking, or how Nines’ hand tightened around his as if to give ( ~~comfort~~ ) support. 

He seemed serious. Like he genuinely wanted to hear what Connor had to say finally instead of brushing him off. Connor wanted that anger to come back right now, to justify him shutting Nines out again, to throw him out of his apartment and never look back, but he couldn’t. He kept ignoring it but that void inside him lessened a bit hearing Nines’ apology. He didn’t want to admit to himself that even with the anger, he genuinely missed having his friends to talk to. To hang out with that could distract him from his worst thoughts. He wouldn’t forgive the others no. They had to apologize themselves, but Nines.. Nines seemed like a good place to start. He worried Nines would just go back on his word, he always worried about that, but Connor couldn’t ignore this internal ache any longer. He hated having to confront his emotions, quite annoying. 

With a slow nod of acceptance, he felt the cold gaze he’d been sporting for months start to ease up a bit. Only for Nines he knew, but it eased nonetheless. Nines gave him such a blinding smile. It made him realize he also honestly missed seeing him look so happy. Nines had only mustered awkward, sad smiles ever since Connor hard blocked everyone. That jealousy still flickered as always, but he didn’t want it ruining the moment so another ignore was placed.

“May I give you a hug?” was asked, catching Connor again by surprise. He nodded without hesitation, it’s been forever since he got a hug and those were so rare in the first place. Instantly, two arms circled around him and pulled him close to a shirt that had so many colors they gave Hank’s a "run for their money". The effect of the hug was instant as he practically slumped against the other. His arms weakly clung to the back of Nines’ shirt as he let himself soak in the embrace. A voice in the back of his head started saying how weak and pitiful he was being, clinging so childishly to another like this, but the comfort of it all washed those words away. He didn’t expect himself to feel so safe here. He hadn’t realized just how desperate he was for some sort of comforting touch after so long. 

They stayed like that, hugging on the couch for some time until Connor awkwardly let go. He didn’t truly want to, but he was sure that he had gone beyond what was socially acceptable in hugging time as is. He didn’t look at Nines for a second or two trying to reel in his thoughts to begin explaining. 

“Yes… What happened today has happened.. Before,” he began going back to fidgeting with his forgotten beanie, “But it’s never happened while I was at work. That was a new development.”

“Do you know why?”

“I’m not fairly certain. It began when I moved into this apartment. Hank had called me asking where I was. He said something that made me react… very negatively and I suddenly found myself almost drifting off and losing time. When it happened then, I was overwhelmed, but I kept finding myself drifting off again even when nothing was actively bothering me,” he wasn’t sure what he should omit in his retelling, Nines most likely needed to know all that he could to help him. Yet, he found himself still hesitating on sharing anything too personal. He knows Nines is making attempts here to help, but he still can’t just trust him like he did before. 

Nines seemed to hesitate a bit, “What do you mean by actively bothering you, Con?” 

Connor went back to staying quiet, not ready to admit the depths of his emotional distress especially when it was a bit inflicted from his own actions. If he admitted to that, then he was admitting to being wrong and messing up. He can’t just admit to failure like that. ( ~~Not with the blocked garden looming in his systems~~ ).

Nines didn’t push, for now he guessed, and instead changed topics. 

-

For the rest of the day they talked about whatever and Connor even chuckled once. He felt significantly lighter while spending time with Nines. He even noticed how Nines was being more almost receptive to him. Before he was always nice but it was stilted, unsure if what he said landed well with Connor. It felt more natural this time, he felt more lively and responded to Connor’s dry jokes and sass. Only Hank knew how to truly conversate with him prior (sometimes Connor didn’t get Hank’s jokes, but Hank never took it to heart nor teased him too harshly about it). It was a nice change of pace. 

Overall, despite how weird the day was, it was.. Good, yes good. After bidding Nines goodnight, he even had the lowest number of recall “nightmares” in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor finally is getting some gosh darn apologies. Also some insight that Connor knows he shouldn't have done what he did really, but knowing is quite different from doing (or processing it). 
> 
> I said Nines is really fuckin nice rights and you can pry that from my cold dead hands.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is [fuzzynat](https://fuzzynat.tumblr.com)
> 
> I already have all the chapters written out, I'm just going to be doing a slow update to get some idk excitement going ha ha. Would you want a daily update or should I do more every other day or ? Let me know.
> 
> Connor really blowin up and then actin like he know nobody.


End file.
